The List and The Weigh In

Weigh In Time!

We are both very thankful that we both lost our gains and are back to our lowest weights - a great place to begin again!

I lost 1.2 pounds and am 272.4 again

Randall lost 1.4 pounds and is 239.2.

On to the list.....

Of course! Its Thanksgiving, so I will add my list of what I am thankful for this year as so many have done across the blog world....

I am thankful that Randall is still working both of his jobs while so many people have lost theirs. He's a wonderful provider, and we are truly blessed with good employers for him.

I am thankful to be down from a size 30/32 to a 22, even some 20's. Five sizes in one year. Gotta love it.

I am thankful that I am not nearly as tired preparing our family meal this year as last, and this even with me being sick right now. The difference in energy is amazing.
I am thankful that I no longer have the desire to eat until I am physically ill. It made for a lot of super uncomfortable holidays past. It will be nice to feel good at the end of a meal this year.

I am thankful that when Daniel gets up in the night that I can pick him up and put him in bed with Randall and I. This time last year, we were talking about getting a bigger bed because we both hung off the edge of this one, now another person can fit in with us.
I am thankful that I can carry Daniel like a "normal" person - who know - on your side, resting on your hip? This time last year, I was too big to do it, plus just that little bit of extra weight took the breath right out of me.

I am thankful that Randall has been coming along on this journey with me. Its made for a much more incredible experience. Not to mention I have a hotter hubby now!
I am thankful that I have been taking pictures on our way down the scale. Its amazing to look at a pic from a few months ago, remembering how I thought I looked so good it in, and now I am so much smaller still!

I am thankful for this blog. Not only has it given me a way to keep my sanity, but also hold me accountable, and it has introduced me to wonderful new friends, whom I love very much.

I am thankful that I still have further to go on my journey. It will make me more appreciative when I get where I am going, and make me stronger to sustain my efforts when I get there.

Here's to a great year, full of more things to be thankful for!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Things Happen

Even the best laid plans just don't quite happen sometimes, but of course that doesn't mean to stop working for it!

I planned to get to my 100 pound goal this week and see Randall get to his 75 pounds.

So....what has been going on?

Daniel woke up with a fever on Friday morning, had it Saturday too, and it got better, but morphed into diarrhea, then a nasty, nasty congested cough, which he still has. But, being the loving child that he is, he decided to share the congestion nastiness with me, and I spread the wealth, as Randall is now catching it, too.

This has made for tiring days trying to get ready for Thanksgiving, which I am still determined to have here. I have felt much worse before, so I am thankful its what it is, if I have to be sick, you know?

Randall got on a scale at work a few days ago and was up a significant amount. I assumed it was sodium, because we have eaten a few ready to go meals over the last little while, and told him to try to flush out his system with water. Last night, he ran to Wal Mart to get me some Advil - getting kind of achy. When he got back, I asked him if he'd been eating something sweet and he said he picked up a Kit Kat in the checkout. This set off an alarm for me - every time he used to go to the store for me, he got a soda and a candy bar on his way out. Was it starting again? I didn't say much of anything about it.

Then I went to pack his lunch. Friday, I made some turtle candy, and had cut it into about 25-30 pieces. I know over the last several days, I have eaten about 5-6 pieces. I went to put some in his lunch - there were only three pieces left. He'd eaten about 20 pieces in 4 days. I mentioned to him that that scale may not have been fibbing as much as I'd hoped.

I know I upset him and I feel bad about it. He told me all I did was hold up a mirror. I feel just as responsible - I have had a flippant attitude about everything for nearly 2 months, and then I have been making so much in the way of tempting things and putting it right under his nose.

I don't want him to go back to the way he was, or me, either. Its stopping. Not after the holidays, but right now. I know tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but other than that, we're going back on the straight and narrow. I know I can ultimately only do for myself, but its amazing how your actions can adversely effect others, even in a case like this, and I will not have any part of his or my failure - I just won't.

So, I'll be back with the ugliness that will be our weigh in tomorrow, and know that it will only get better from here. In the meantime, back to my kitchen prep work!

Busy Week Ahead

Today is day #1 of Thanksgiving prep for me! I need to get the house cleaned and organized so on Wednesday I can just cook and get as much ready as I can.

We went to the Farmer's Market this weekend and I got a case of asparagus - it had 11 bunches the same size as you usually see rubber-banded together at the store...I got them for $7.00! Some of the tops were getting mushy, so I washed it, separated it and the "good" pieces I blanched and froze, the rest I am making cream of asparagus soup out of to freeze, and have it about half way done. I took the ends and made veggie broth out of them for the freezer. Who would have thought I would be able to find "projects" there at the end of November??

Today I am also going to pre- make my pumpkin crescent rolls and toss them in the freezer until they are ready to be baked on Thursday.

I am trying to stay busy, because I got some sad news about three of my friends over the last few days of last week and through the weekend that has had me upset...

One is a dear high school friend, she was in a relationship for nearly 6 years and it fell apart, so she's reeling in sadness right now. Unfortunately, she lives hundreds of miles from me, so I can't comfort her the way that I want to.

Another friend, who I only know through cyberspace, I found out that she and her husband have been separated for several months now. While she seems to be happier now, I know it was and is still a hard situation for her, and that makes me hurt for her.

The worst of the three made itself known to me on Saturday. My oldest friend - I have known her since second grade, so 31+ years, she emailed me a long email to tell me that her husband came to her last month and told her that he had been involved with someone else for over a year and that he loved her, more than he ever loved my friend, and that he was leaving her and their 3 children, one week after their 15th anniversary. She never saw it coming, either, totally no clue. I couldn't even imagine the devastation.

It just makes my heart hurt so much for these three wonderful women. Its beyond my comprehension, although it also brings back the sting of past relationships and how some men in my past have hurt me. I am so blessed to have Randall in my life, and that he loves me so much, even when I am darn near unlovable, which is more often than you could imagine. We have had some rough patches, even rougher than I imagined for only 4 years of marriage, but we have never gotten close to that scary, horrible place that all three of my friends have had to face recently.

On a happier note, since they say a picture is worth a thousand words, I have two of them for you....

The first is when Randall and I went to Savannah in October 2006 and had a picture taken before a riverboat cruise.

The other is the three of us taken last weekend at the Fair, at the entrance.

Just another example of the difference in the two of us, and yet another prod to keep going!

See you between the housework and cooking the rest of the week!

My Big Brother, Jim

Today is my brother Jim's birthday.

He would be 52 years old today.

I think about him a lot on his birthday.

He was 13 when I was born, so we were not too close while I was growing up - he graduated when I was 5 and was married by the time I was 9. After his divorce, he went into the Army in 1982. I know he said it was some of the best times of his life. He was stationed in Germany, in South Korea, Virginia, Missouri, Texas and Oklahoma before he left in 1992.

Many times while I was growing up, he'd come home on leave and we'd have some fun together, he'd bring me things form the places he'd been, and I remember one time, I went to visit my Grandparent's with him, and we carried on during the entire car ride. In true big brother fashion, he offered to lay in the weeds like a ninja and put a broomstick in the spokes of my boyfriend's 10 speed bike as he rode home from work after we (my boyfriend and I) had gotten into a physical altercation when I was in my early 20's. I still snicker when I think about how this would have went if I would have let him!

He was also a Veteran of Operation Desert Shield / Desert Storm.

Germany was his favorite place. I know it held a special place in his heart:

We spent many years after I became an adult not getting along too well. I felt like he was taking advantage of my parent's generosity and not being the responsible parent he needed to be, relying too much on the kindness of everyone else instead of working hard for his family. I let it grow to resentment toward him over time, and had little to do with him for years, seeing him and his second wife and their kids only on holidays at my parent's home, even though we lived in the same city.

Over the years, he had several things happen to him - he had surgery to have a kidney removed after a scan caught a spot on it that turned out to be a malignancy, and it was like he never fully recovered - he never had any inner strength afterward. Things spiraled downhill to the point of him and his entire family living in a homeless shelter, as he missed a lot of work from this point forward. This was shortly after another long stay at the hospital, where he was diagnosed with COPD.

The center was wonderful to him and his family, even after his second wife left him and all of their kids while they were still in the shelter. Eventually, the center helped him get a house and he and the kids lived independently for a few years, before he passed away on January 8, 2008.

It was unexpected and so very hard on the children and my parents, especially. I watched all of the pain and sacrifices that they all had to make in these months since his death, and it makes me a little mad at him for not taking better care of himself.

Jim used to be a very fit younger man who took good care of himself, aside from smoking. As the years went on, and the stress of a family and work began taking their toll on him, he got heavier and heavier, lazier and lazier, felt worse and worse. He developed type 2 diabetes on top of all of the other issues, and he basically gave up. He sat around, doing as little as possible, and he loved to eat, and rarely denied himself anything.

I can't help but wonder how many more years he would have had with everyone if he had taken walks, stayed busy at home and tended to the kids well, ate right and saw a doctor regularly, and kept taking his medication regularly.

My Mom and I talk about this a lot. She feels like it could have easily added 10 years to his life. 10 years would have gotten three of his four kids to adulthood. Instead, my parents are raising them. I know there are no guarantees, but I don't think the cold that ultimately caused his respiratory failure would have had such a devastating effect on him if he had been taking better care of himself.

Here he is (far left) at my wedding in 2005, and you can see what a difference there is:

Watching what he did to himself helped push me to want to work to better myself, to become a healthier person for myself and those who love me, and those who depend on me.

There are times when I am tired and don't want to go on, but I won't let these moments last long, because I don't want to die 61 days after I turn 50. I want to watch my son grow up and get married. I don't want to make my parents have to bury another one of their children. I want to enjoy old age with Randall. I don't want anyone to ever be able to say I was selfish and let myself go. So, in a way, I have him to thank in part for getting me started on my current journey.

I am happy that I can at least say that the last year or so before his death, we managed to get along better, and while it was something we were still working on, I at least am at peace with the knowledge that he knew I did love him, in spite of how things had been between us. He even began talking about the two of us teaming up and making and selling Christmas wreaths the next holiday season for some extra money. It would have been nice.

My Mom and I even played a trick on him on his last birthday - we went over his house after dark on the 19th and nailed a poster board to the tree in his front yard that I had written:

50 Ain't So Nifty - Just ask Jim!

We also left some dead flowers and a small Styrofoam casket at the base of the tree. His second oldest son found it that same night, just after we left - I had barely gotten my Mom home from the escapade when he called her to tell her what I had just done. Eventually, the next day, she confessed to being an accomplice, but he thought the whole thing was hilarious. When we cleaned out his house after he died, we found the sign in his room. I still smile, thinking about how he kept it.

Happy Birthday, Big Brother. No matter the past, I will always love and miss you. Thanks for the inspiration, too.

Weigh In for November 20th - Everybody Up!

Yep, we're both up this week:

I weighed 273.6, so I am up 1.2 pounds

Randall weighed 240.6, so he's up 1.6 pounds (he stayed 239.0 for two weeks)

We both have goals this week --

mine is to lose 3.8 pounds to get to 100 pounds lost

Randall's is to lose 4.6 pound to get to 75 pounds lost

I know we can do it -just wait and see what happens!

Happy Friday everyone!

One Week!

One week until Thanksgiving!

I will be hosting dinner again for the second year, and I am excited about that.

I developed my menu weeks ago - yes I am that anal - and I was pleasantly pleased that I was able to make so many things so much healthier this year. Below is what I made last year, versus the new and improved replacement dish:

Roasted Turkey ----> Turkey Breast Two Ways (one will be cooked in a crock pot & one rotisseried)

Gravy -----> will be made with fat free broth and corn starch instead of drippings and flour

Mashed Potatoes ----> still made, with fat free sour cream

Dressing -------> will make homemade to reduce salt and increase veggies

Cranberry Relish -----> will likely make this again

Corn -----> fresh from frozen that I froze myself over the summer

Peas and Pearl Onions in a butter sauce -----> replaced with fresh green beans

Broccoli Slaw -----> will make again, but with a low fat mayo / yogurt blend

Crock pot Sweet Potato Casserole with Granny Smith Apples and a Brown Sugar Glaze ----> will be making a version without all of the butter and sugar

Rolls with homemade butter & homemade cranberry butter ------> lowfat pumpkin crescent rolls and pumpkin spice butter, made lower fat than last years' cranberry butter, for sure!

Dessert(s):

Frozen Pumpkin Pie -----> will be replaced with a low fat Pumpkin Custard

White Chocolate Blueberry Cheesecake -----> will be replaced with a homemade blueberry pie

and Pumpkin Pie (courtesy of my Mom) ----> this will be happening again : )

I am so proud of myself to be offering good, healthier food to my family and taking care of not only Randall, Daniel and I like we have been doing, but extending it into a celebration with my parents, niece and nephews, too. It would be wonderful if the impression has rippling effects down the road and leads some of them to change for the better as well, but at least we'll have Thanksgiving!

And, I have another reason to be excited about Thanksgiving this year. I have decided that this next week will be the week - I will hit my 100 pounds lost on this weigh in. Randall and I will be weighing in one day early, the morning of Thanksgiving this week, for obvious reasons. But - it gives me one less day to work toward my goal, which will likely be a bit more than 2.6 pounds, which will likely reflect a gain tomorrow after the week I had, but nevertheless - next week, my friends - we'll be celebrating - just you wait and see!

Pieces

I feel like the last few weeks, I have been putting pieces together, and when I finally got them together, they all fell to the floor, so now we're left picking them up.

I haven't been "into" the weight loss lately, as the posts have indicated. I got to feeling worse and worse physically, and I assumed it was due to me eating more junky stuff, albeit a fraction of what I used to. I assumed that my body was rebelling against it. Diane mentioned that maybe I was fighting off a bug or something.

Well, this past week, I got my answer, when I took not one, not two, but three pregnancy tests, and all of them gave me a faint second line.

Excuse me while I share a little too much here.... this scared me because I have an IUD that I had put in just after Daniel was born. So, I got online and began reading. I found out that any woman who has one and loses a significant amount of weight - 20 or more pounds, has the likelihood of the device shifting. So, apparently, after 90 pounds or so, mine moved out of place. I made an appointment for the doctor, since, obviously a removal would have to take place, but would put the pregnancy in jeopardy.

I then also worried since I am still 272 pounds, what kind of toll this would have on it, and would I end up having another pre-term child. I ran all sort of scenarios through my mind, and as the hours and days ticked by, I went from dreading the idea of another obese pregnancy, to becoming accepting and to the point of looking forward to all of it, including the queasiness that I was already having.

Then yesterday, I began to spot. This morning, it has become obvious that I am no longer pregnant. The symptoms I did have, the queasiness, the soreness, they have also faded overnight. I am kind of hollow with emotions right now....there is some sorrow, some doubt - wondering if there is any possibility that three tests could have been wrong and I never really was pregnant, and yes, even a little relief, because I didn't want anything that was coming up to cause harm.

I'll reschedule the appointment, which was to happen on Thursday, and go in the coming weeks, so I can make sure everything is okay, and have the precautions taken so the next time we see two lines, we can have a little more peace of mind that things will progress the way that they are meant to, no matter the stage of weight loss I am at.

Its also made me realize that I will be pushing even harder to start losing more again, so I can be healthier, faster, and maybe, another baby will be here sooner, too.

So, if I become quiet over these next few weeks from time to time, please forgive me....I may need to take a day here or there to just think. Of course, it just may make my resolve even stronger and I become more regular on here. I guess time will tell....

Weekend Wrap Up

Well, this weekend went a little differently than normal. We decided to try out another Farmer's Market, because we knew the one that we normally go to was going to be chaotic. The city decided to team up with the Food Bank and got some of the vendors to start accepting food stamps, which in theory is a good idea, but I will get into my thoughts about all of this later on in the week. Anyway, the Mayor and all sorts of media were going to be there, and we just didn't want the hassle.

We stopped on the way at Starbucks - I have been wanting peppermint, so a tall, non fat, decaf peppermint mocha was in order for me, Randall got a tall eggnog latte. They were giving out samples of a mint brownie that they are going to be selling and it was amazing. I had to attempt to duplicate them at home, and while there is nothing healthy about them , I think I did a great job! After two of them, most of them went to work with Randall so I wouldn't be tempted any longer! Here's the recipe, if you'd like to check them out!

There are several seasonal markets open across town, and we have been wanting to go to this one near us for some time, so what better weekend?

Of course, being called the Riverside Arts and Farmer's Market, we knew the selection would be much more sparse, and it was, although walking along the booths was great fun. We split a begniet between the three of us when we first got there, and I got some really interesting hand made pasta from one vendor - they had about 20-30 varieties and it was so hard to choose! I finally settled on Tunisian Harissa Fettuccine and some Dark Chocolate Linguine, which I will admit I am a little scared of, but I had to try it! It is meant as a dessert, so we'll see what I can do with it!

I also was able to procure a little produce - some onions, avocados and some cucumbers, and we'll have to survive on what we have left over in the fridge, but we'll manage.

Sunday, we went to the Fair - it was the last day, so one admission got one free, so all three of us got in for $8.00! Randall and Daniel rode the train - Daniel loved it and wanted to ride everything after that! We distracted him with a funnel cake - not the best parenting technique, but he was happy. The lil guy ate 3/4 of it himself! I took a few bites, so did Randall. The only other food we bought was a huge bag of kettle corn to bring home with us. We stopped on the way home and had dinner - I got broiled flounder and a baked potato, Randall had fried gator tail and rice pilaf. Daniel, naturally, only ate a few bites of his dinner, his tummy still full of funnel cake! We walked the whole fairgrounds, looking at the livestock and some of the other exhibits, and we all had a lot of fun.



The weather has been amazing, and I am hoping we can squeeze in some walks these next few evenings before it gets dark, but Randall is doing overtime at his day job, so we'll see how it all pans out. Bless his heart - he works too much!

Here's to a great week!

Let The Half Time Festivities Begin!

Take a look at this...
is this not one of the prettiest things you have ever seen?

With a whopping 1.0 pound loss this week, I finally made it half way!

97.4 pounds lost, 97.4 pounds to go to get to my goal of 175!

There are been a lot of happy dancing going on here!

And....just 2.6 pounds to reach that golden 100 pound mark!

Maybe this next week will be the week! Sure seems like motivation enough to start actually working toward it instead of sitting back and letting it happen!

Be back later with Randall's weigh in!